While you think it over

While you are thinking that this separation is unstoppable

You ping point to a blank space in the wall and start planning your escape

How you will start to fill in boxes with memories you would rather not have

How you will ask your friends if they can help you put your past life to parts

How will you make it past that door with only loose change in your pockets

While all the thoughts take their path to infinity

You let your mind run freely and see how this story would have played if one encounter wouldn't had happened

How did you let so much of any of this get in your way

How did you go deaf to all the familiar voices that told you this isn't right

How did you lie to yourself every morning of every day

While you are thinking that this separation is unstoppable

You get hugged during the night and it all crumbles away! 

Letter to myself

There are many lessons we learn, year after year and day after day.

Every day that goes by is another proof that as we get older we tend to get smarter as well, at least for the majority...

I wish I held the knowledge and the maturity that I have today 5 years ago, but probably I will say the same thing 5 years later.

I would have never thought that 2023 would be my year in all its meanings. I wished for the same wish for these past 5 years and finally that wish was granted. I am beyond grateful to anyone that has helped me even with the smallest gesture, giving me a good laughter when I needed it the most.

Life is not meant to be easy, is meant to be full, full of things that mean something to you.

There will be moments when you will feel like you failed, you failed what you believed in and you failed yourself. But that goes away...And with time you realize it was those " failing moments" that helped in your rising. And it is important to believe in yourself, to give yourself another chance before anyone else does.

You will make plenty of mistakes, so many you will lose count...

There will be days that you will feel like doing nothing and whatever you are working on has no meaning whatsoever. But trust me, it will all make sense eventually...

You will look back, just like I am doing today, see how this journey has changed you, see how far you have come, and finally go to bed at night feeling a sense of relief and calmness that you had only dreamed for.

And lastly, go easy on yourself, no-one else will!

4 Years

 I packed my 4 years into Home Depot boxes.

I packed everything I had ever known in those 4 years...

All the memories, good and bad. All the laughter and all the tears.

I put them into these boxes hoping I wouldn't have to reopen them soon.

But I knew that was a lie... I would open them as soon as I got somewhere safe, to a new beginning, where I would unpack all the things I was trying to forgive and forget.

Random thoughts that accumulate over time

 I wish there was someone writing down all my thoughts, I know that could be me, but every time I try to write down what I am thinking I get lost, and all the words lose their meaning.

Every night before bed I accumulate millions of thoughts which If I could write down would become a nice piece to read, but also each night I decide I will write down these thoughts tomorrow... And tomorrow never comes. Tomorrow never comes but thoughts reappear while I am doing the most random things, doing the dishes or cleaning my apartment. And again, I keep thinking about these thoughts that I will eventually write down. But tomorrow never comes...

There are a lot of things for whose tomorrow never comes.

And you spend a lifetime of wishing that tomorrow is the actual day that you will find the courage and make a change, the thing you are wishing for yourself almost every day, but courage fails you every time.

And the next day comes and there will be another tomorrow, and you hope and hope that things will change, and you forget that the tomorrow that never comes was already yesterday.

30

 Here's to 30!

20's were definitely a rollercoaster. I had fun, I laughed, I cried and got my heart broken multiple times and stitched it together again and again. I left all that I had ever known and started from scratch.

I beat my biggest fears and I won my biggest wars. I raised the white flag to all my enemies and forgave all that wronged me. I had fun while struggling and got desperate when I was feeling the happiest.

20's were definitely something...

I improved myself and I learned from my mistakes, and learned how to make new ones, constantly because that's how you learn and remember.

I only had myself as a shoulder to lean on and that made me even stronger that I thought I could be.

I climbed mountains and fell on my face multiple times, learning how to rise stronger each time.

I became a version of myself that I am proud to look in the mirror.

20's were definitely something...

I made memories, friends and some of them are now strangers. Not everyone is supposed to follow you in your 30's. I am not sad that most of the "friends" left... I get to have the ones that chose to stay, the ones that I am proud to call "chosen family".

I cried so much, desperately cried to grow old and live the life I have today. I think we are all trying to grow up and get lost in the process, forgetting how to enjoy every day. And time goes by so fast, and you can't get it back. The important thing is to have no regrets. It doesn't matter how many times you failed, you made wrong choices, you acted foolishly, it brought you to where you are today. And today feels like the right place to be. Just remember to be grateful for each day you get to live, for each laughter, for every happy tear, for every little thing that you consider important, like a good coffee, a good hair day, a great meal or a beautiful sunset...You get to experience this every time you open your eyes, and each day is a new adventure. Do not rush anymore. Try to live... Do not take things for granted. You don't know how many more pages you get to write, so why not write it as you would like. Do not postpone things anymore! Live and laugh a little more...

So, here's to 30. To many mistakes and great memories!

To my All

Driving 80 on the highway

Your hair floating in the air

Listening to our song

Making love with only words

 

I have said I am blessed a thousand times

And other hundreds to this life

I kiss your hand while I drive

You smile softly and wink your eye

I smell your perfume all over me

As we made love all morning

And now as the sun sets down

I like the scent as it vaporizes

I have said this many times before

To you my darling, my sweetest soul

I love you face, I love your hair

But more I am proud to call you my girlfriend

You are not just my partner

You are not just my soul

You are my better half

You are what makes me a whole!

The Me you did not like

Every time I see this dress, sad shivers go through my body.

It is sad than an object can cause such strong feelings.

Is sad that even exactly 10 years later I still remember this dress.

It was my 18th birthday. I though that buying myself a nice dress would make my day a little happier, a little better.

The dress did not do its job right. I wasn't feeling better at all.

It was like the whole world was against me and I was left alone on the other side, the dark side.

It is weird how you were brought to this world, to become black and white. There is a pattern that is laid out to you since the day you were born and you can only follow that pattern, to be sure you are on the right track and you will become who you are "supposed" to be.

But how do you know who I am and what I will become?! 

In these world full of black and whites I felt like a rainbow.

How dare you take the colors away from me, just because colors don't fit the pattern.

It is sad that just because I loved colors you decided to love me less.

It is sad that just because I was different you decided to lock me inside myself.

It is sad that just because I picked me, you decided Me it wasn't good enough for you.